do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
