Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
