During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
