youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
