They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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