Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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