Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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