I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
