# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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