That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
