Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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