My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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