by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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