He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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