omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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