last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Randomize
