i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
why do cheetos always look like penises
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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