gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
is it fun? or sober?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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