I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
