I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
