He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
