Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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