He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize