Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
