Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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