sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
