Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
