when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
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