I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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