quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize