after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
