I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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