I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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