OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
