What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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