Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
