I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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