okay pat passed out under dana's car
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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