He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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