Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
