Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
