drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize