My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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