I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
