just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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