you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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