God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
