i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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