im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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