how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
