it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
