Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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