well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
