i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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