He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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