My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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