I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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