We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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