There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
