I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
